I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?