What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
me, after any kind of buffet.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu