waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Very good news from my accountant
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
CRYING
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*