My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Love this guy