At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
You Might Also Like
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it