I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
no one likes gloating
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The “baby” on the left….
Poetry is my passion
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this