You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”