GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Never ghost your hitman.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.