[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.