*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.