I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
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As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.