DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
When you’re Kinky but poor
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Harsh but fair
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.