[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Well, that should do it
Krampus.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
It’s the weekend y’all
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*