Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it