me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.