A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating