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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
how much for the angry fruit?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.