Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?