Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.