It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
the simulation is moving too fast
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.