I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Bill is short for Billiam
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”