If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
🤣🤣🤣🤣
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.