A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen