Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Why are bridges so flammable.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake