Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.