paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
yes… yes…
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
These are my roll models.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.