My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
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giddy up Office Depot
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
That lamp looks PISSED.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!