I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I am having an out of money experience.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.