Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Hmmmmm
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The little toadstool has spoken.