I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
me when i see my girls butt
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now