Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
What flavor cupcake are these