“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Hamburger Hinderer.
I really had high hopes for this year though
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?