YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
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Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold