Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value