Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Has there ever been a more American story?
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it