“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
You Might Also Like
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*