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[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
This is sending me to another galaxy
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.