Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
You Might Also Like
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it