two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station