[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”