If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
鈥楽up.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
Body by Oreos
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 馃槼 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn鈥檛 enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: I don鈥檛 get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses