My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.