“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.