[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
What is going on? 😅
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
i’m sure it’s fine
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
#DesignFail
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.