Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.