eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
You Might Also Like
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?