listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
what does he know…
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
He just like my cat fr
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21