Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”