My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.