Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
You Might Also Like
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mmmm canned fish.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.